for a long time i've lived under the assumption that everything happens for a reason. things, people, places get moved together in some cosmic dance making life work out for all of us. but recently i think i'm starting to change my mind. only because it seems like nothing is happening for any reason. just random things that i try to understand but utterly fail at.

but then i guess i could be wrong. i mean understanding why something happens is pretty tough and to explain it to others is even tougher. First you have to figure out what event is actually important that could have meaning, then you have to try and interpret what the meaning is, then you have to figure out what to do with what you know. and then you will have to think whether is it necessary to tell others about it. also whether anything would ever come out of it. Three steps where its incredibly easy to mess up. then i guess sometimes you just have to wait longer to see if you were right... and a lot of the time i probably get impatient and just mess things up or leave it the way it is if no body else bothers.

As long as you fool yourself into thinking time exists, life will fly by

it seems the months and years of teenage-hood are punctuated more often by tragedy and loss than joy and celebration. is this merely my pessimistic interpretation of life in recent years, or am i sensing a pattern here?i was looking forward to formulating an excuse that would get me out of stress and work, one that would take me back to my childhood days, the innocent and easily self contented, the best times of my life. i am beyond happy to anticipate the finishing of A levels and grasp hold of my own freedom, but deeply saddened to know it will never be the same without her by my side.

my somber mood carried throughout the day as i went home in the afternoon.i looked around my room and noticed previously the bed have been shifted etc. i know every time i touch my table, i would reach into the drawer and look at the picture i have torn into two and read my diary. but today i did something that i never thought would ever tries to do it after all i, myself who had been in the same situation before and felt utterly betrayed and exposed of my secrets. i rumage thru' her shelf and flipped thru' her diaries. in my heart, a fluttering hope- that perhaps she might wrote down her reflections and confess some miseries and words of missing me. i only caught some words of betrayal and hatred which i could see no link with me. and then a page full of calculated numbers sum of $409 and my name (hui ting) marked beside it. i could only make out two conclusions. one is perhaps the amt. of money i owe her but then on the happier side she seems to be planning to buy sth for me in oct.

i feel so lonely and displaced. and my mood swings now and then. i dont wanna rely on pills. i dont wanna be aggitated. i just wanna be happy with her. i can only wait...